as the days go by you all worry more. i promise you i am strong enough- smart enough- to do what is best for myself. it hurts me to think you expect so little from me. i strive so hard, maybe its to hard- to shatter your thoughts about me. i know what i want and need from life, maybe its to hard to accept. remember, life is a lesson, and i actually did pay attention this time. i have grown so much, over just a few short years. your fears of what once was, can be set aside. i am able to keep my chin up, why cant you? i have hopes and dreams, and i will do nothing but achieve them, and while i am doing that, i hope your watching, as everything thing you thought i would be, changes with the vision of everything i am, and everything i am becoming. i do what i feel is best for me, cause my goal is to make sure i am happy. to make sure i dont have thoughts like i used to have. its hard to fulfill that goal with everything i see around me. just remember, i am your child too. when you put him before me, and claim you dont. its a burn to my heart. i can document every memory i have of the ways we are treated differently. but maybe it would hurt you to much to point them all out. i have tried so hard, for so long. to damn long. to prove myself to you. and why? for what? why do i need this constant reassurance that you actually care, and do notice. why is there this void, this emptiness. all my heartache, and pain, its grown from this. my fear of being alone, unaccepted, my own self image. i was shattered before i even knew it. i question things i shouldnt because of you. i loose a little more of myself when you all dont get it.
when i say, this home hurts, the memories there hurt. you ask me why, you say: "is it cause you think we dont love you", or "is it because of the fights with your brother". but you dont get it. you cant see it, you worry, but do you even know why your worrying?
its the little things in life that make an impact so strongly on people.
i say im starving one morning while your in the kitchen, keep in mind im not accepting you to make me anything, i just speak out loud sometimes, the words dont even embrace your ears. but my brother, dear brother, he awakes, without even a word or comment to you, you quickly jump on the chance to ask him if he would like some eggs, or some pancakes. he refuses. as i head to the door to leave for work, i comment that i would love some eggs, but its to late now, cause work is calling. i say it sarcastically to make a point that i noticed. that maybe you would notice. i just get shrugged off again.
i asked if i could use another car to go to work to avoid getting a ticket, but i was told im not aloud to drive the accord because i am not on the insurance. but did it stop you from letting my dear brother use it weeks at a time? no you didnt even hesitate to mention that to him.
when he gets caught with a water bottle full of vodka in his car, or driving drunk. nothing happens. when i sit at home and drink while a movie plays and i build my portfolio. i get my beer taken away, with fear that i am drinking my 'troubles' away. you must have forgotten, i write my troubles away. drinking is just a way for me to become more creative, to enjoy my time, and to relax.just because there are a countless amount of bottles in my room, doesnt mean its from one night. i too, am lazy, and i wait till the last minute. just please, next time, dont be so quick to judge, cause half those bottles are left half full.
it was before i went to college, i was at home, on my computer, sitting there talking on the internet, it was rather late at night, or if you prefer, rather early, i was lost in a conversation with a friend when my dear brother got home, i always know when someone gets home since i can hear the garage door open through my wall. i didnt think i had to be ready for a terrible night, but boy i wish i was. he stormed in, and without question, his temper was flaring. he was gone, he was drunk beyond rationalizing, he couldnt be spoken to. grabing me, yelling at me, saying im doing things i was not, throwing me to the floor tossing me around as if i was a rag doll, i called for your help mother, cause daddy was out of town. but you stood there, with a glazed look in your eyes. you stood there as i screamed and i tried to fight, as i begged him to stop, to just get off me. you stood there as did nothing. i called daddy and told him everything, but when he came back, it was like it never happened. some how or another, i was at fault again.
around the age of 13 my dear brother decided it would be fun to go joy riding in your car, i knew for so long that it was happening, him and his friend used to go down to miami. when you guys reported it stolen, when you found out it was him. your punishment didnt compare to the actual crime. you gave him the chore of cleaning out the outside shower, it was full of leaves, how terrible. it took him about an hour or two to clean up. when i was 19 i decided to go to georgia, i didnt tell you of course, when i was there, i learned so much about myself, i was happy, i was free, and the people i was with didnt jusge me. when you found out where i was, when i got home, i wasnt aloud to use my car for 2-3 months. you see, at the age of 18, you become a 'legal' adult. i was safe, i was fine, i knew at all times what was going on, and what i was doing. but still, you doubt me and in the end i get punished.
since i have been back from ohio, i have helped you with everything you ask. but when i have other things to take care of, or if i worked all day and im tired and i refuse to help. you call me selfish, and ungrateful. i have done nothing to be labeled such. its a shame that you cant see it. i go out of my way to help you. even so sometimes when i do, im told im doing it wrong. mother, its the thought that counts
everything i do, everything that im involved with, is thought about, talked about. i spend my free time lost in thought, in dreams. i need you to know, the best way to help me, is to let me handle things on my own, how else am i going to grow into the person i want to be. you should know by now, when things get tough, when i need your help. i will come to you.
its time you have a better understanding on your reasons for your worrying. fabricating other reasons then the truth wont do it this time. its plane and simple. i shouldnt have to feel this way, i wrote in journals over many years, and i can remember when i was in middle school, the journal that you were so willing to read and destroy mother, you should know the one, you ripped out the pages and wrote me a letter to my thoughts. my private thoughts. i remember writing that i always felt different when it comes to the way you treat me over my dear brother.
over the years, throughout my life, i mentioned it. but never was it taken to heart, and here i sit, 23 years old, dwelling on what makes me so incomplete.
you know, i think i finally figured it out.
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