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Right Here In My Arms

we are at it again, yelling,
we are both wishing this wasnt happening,
we weep together, but we are so far apart.
i wake each day, looking over at you, this man,
this man has grown so much. before i leave each day,
i kiss you, i kiss your cheek, i lay beside you,
i hold you, i know i wont see you till late that night.
so i share a moment with you, by myself, for my smiles.
once its time for me to go, i kiss you, then i head to the door,
turn around and kiss you again.
if love isnt there, this feeling will remain unlabeled,

i find myself lost in you, your happiness.
i work around the system to put you, us, on top.
the sacrifices we have made for each other are beyond the damage that is done,
we traveled cross country for each other, to be happy.
weekend spent in the car, with smile on your face, its was bliss to me.

i have lied, cheated, and stole for you,
i didnt ever have a care of what could happen by the actions i have done,
as long as a smile was placed on your face, it was worth it.
i loose myself, in those thoughts you hate,
but still, you try to distract me,
those witty ways about you. they pull me in.

i sit here, lost is this beautiful past we had,
i look at us now, its dark, its lonely.
im searching for all the puzzle pieces,
but it seems like someones been hiding them from me.

its so scary to view my days without you there,
those little moments we have, that we share.
just a little smirk over something that only we know.
or the way i get when you do your magic tricks,
how proud and whole i feel when i hear about your grades from school,
these dreams you have, they are mine too,

i break down to fast with the thought of you leaving,
to look at you, and see you mean it,
i just cant care about anything after that.
it all means nothing.

i dont want to fall apart this time,
couldnt bare to lose this hope,
your the only one -
that if ten items lined up know which one i would pick and why,
your the only one that knows my weird little habits,
such as i know yours,
how i love to watch you,
to watch you as you get that spark, the one when you draw,
when you know you have it, and it will be nothing less the perfect.

where ever i am,
you there with me,
you helped build me,
this ground wouldn't be this solid-
if you didn't lay the cement and pave it,

we may not be alike, but that is whats keeps us strong,
we learn from each others interests, and knowledge,
we build that bridge to meet each other,
to relate with one another,

my words dont always come so easy.
its hard to see the good in things,
when its always so dark.

things are looking up, we have this dream,
we can build it if we want.
but no matter what, will i back down from my commitment to you,
i said i am with you in this, behind you one hundred percent,
i stand on weakened ground, but my word will stand strong.
as will my love.

i fought so hard for you for a reason, for so many years,
to many for this not to be worth losing it all over,
im here, ripping myself apart,
bringing that level of self content back down to nothing,

we worked so hard to get me to where i was,
and it all seems like nothing changed,
im scared,

i remember those feelings,
where i had nothing more to turn to,
i lost myself in pills,
i lost myself in my own pain.

but this time,
this time is much different,
the difference is that my heart will never let go of you,
there will never be a thought that doesnt relate to you,

nothing will change whats been done,
we both know this,
i know i can mend that wound, and help it heal.
give you that light, you need.

you know,
i think about us often,
i play scenes form what could be our future in my mind,
i stare into my thoughts, and i see you, with me,
we have that house we always wanted, fence and everything,
we have it all.

i just wish i could show you, in any means,
how much i love you.
im fighting,
im screaming,
im wishing,
im hoping,
im worried,
im lost,
im incomplete,

i just want to hold you like before,
sparkle for you again.
i feel it wanting to burst for you,
can we embrace this chance,
leaving us open to heartache,
for a chance,
a chance that true love,
wont be waisted,

it would be a shame to push this feeling away,
and im full of shame right now,
because i did,
dishonest to my heart and logic,
for a fascination of the past.

reality hit me hard,
i needed it,
i hate that it happened like this,
i wish i could kiss those lips again,
those sweet subtle lips,
so soft,
i study them when you kiss me.
i feel passion rushing throughout me,

i never regretted anything in life before,
i just took it as it came,
but this,
this will never be forgotten,
by you, and by me.

im my own worst enemy,
i will break me like no other.
i will make sure you arent hurting alone,
cause you dont deserve to hurt.

never should you have to be subjected to this,
not by me,
we know,
im damn well better then that.

if we cant see that,
my hope is frozen,
it wont take much more for it to shatter,
you see baby,
when i was at this point of depression and self doubt,
i had you to lift me,
you held me up, making sure i didnt fall.
you bit your lip and grinned and you bared through all the things i put us through,

i look at you as an inspiration,
although its harder for me to rid the bad then bring in the good,
in the end, i still have my head up,
because of you.

we all know,
without you,
there is no me,
and no one,
not a single person on this earth,
could take your place,

i dont want to reflect on the negative,
i want to write my thoughts on you,
what i feel when i think of you,
there is never a moment that is bad,
even at the worst,
its still not that bad,
because in the end,
i have you,

but here we are,
the path is split,
we are standing together,
glancing at the futures each way might take,

my grandma, dear grandma,
she said that nothing makes me happy like you do,
that your the best thing for me,
i sit and i think of how she was,
if you knew her baby,
you would know that means alot,
not just to me, but about you,
so much about you-
that one of the colder people in my life can see the smiles you bring,

i cant give up on something that makes that big of an impact,
never have i been this far in my life,
with who i am,
how i am,
you built me up so high,
i cant afford to fall,
i dont want to do this with out you.

you will never loose that place in my heart,
its always there for you to call home,
please come back to me baby,
i miss the way you used to look at me.

i believe in the hope that you gave me,
im crashing down.
you will not catch me.

i just want you to know, never did i think this was a mistake, never will i.
you made my world, i see color a little better now.

i value everything you gave me, are still giving me,
you have always been what matters most,
and i got lost,
i forgot myself, my morals,
i blew this all,
i wish you could just look at me the same,
and tell me still
sam, it will be alright,

that day will never come.
maybe if i keep this hope i have a chance...
just maybe

a brust of truth for the hearts of the blind

as the days go by you all worry more. i promise you i am strong enough- smart enough- to do what is best for myself. it hurts me to think you expect so little from me. i strive so hard, maybe its to hard- to shatter your thoughts about me. i know what i want and need from life, maybe its to hard to accept. remember, life is a lesson, and i actually did pay attention this time. i have grown so much, over just a few short years. your fears of what once was, can be set aside. i am able to keep my chin up, why cant you? i have hopes and dreams, and i will do nothing but achieve them, and while i am doing that, i hope your watching, as everything thing you thought i would be, changes with the vision of everything i am, and everything i am becoming. i do what i feel is best for me, cause my goal is to make sure i am happy. to make sure i dont have thoughts like i used to have. its hard to fulfill that goal with everything i see around me. just remember, i am your child too. when you put him before me, and claim you dont. its a burn to my heart. i can document every memory i have of the ways we are treated differently. but maybe it would hurt you to much to point them all out. i have tried so hard, for so long. to damn long. to prove myself to you. and why? for what? why do i need this constant reassurance that you actually care, and do notice. why is there this void, this emptiness. all my heartache, and pain, its grown from this. my fear of being alone, unaccepted, my own self image. i was shattered before i even knew it. i question things i shouldnt because of you. i loose a little more of myself when you all dont get it.

when i say, this home hurts, the memories there hurt. you ask me why, you say: "is it cause you think we dont love you", or "is it because of the fights with your brother". but you dont get it. you cant see it, you worry, but do you even know why your worrying?

its the little things in life that make an impact so strongly on people.

i say im starving one morning while your in the kitchen, keep in mind im not accepting you to make me anything, i just speak out loud sometimes, the words dont even embrace your ears. but my brother, dear brother, he awakes, without even a word or comment to you, you quickly jump on the chance to ask him if he would like some eggs, or some pancakes. he refuses. as i head to the door to leave for work, i comment that i would love some eggs, but its to late now, cause work is calling. i say it sarcastically to make a point that i noticed. that maybe you would notice. i just get shrugged off again.

i asked if i could use another car to go to work to avoid getting a ticket, but i was told im not aloud to drive the accord because i am not on the insurance. but did it stop you from letting my dear brother use it weeks at a time? no you didnt even hesitate to mention that to him.

when he gets caught with a water bottle full of vodka in his car, or driving drunk. nothing happens. when i sit at home and drink while a movie plays and i build my portfolio. i get my beer taken away, with fear that i am drinking my 'troubles' away. you must have forgotten, i write my troubles away. drinking is just a way for me to become more creative, to enjoy my time, and to relax.just because there are a countless amount of bottles in my room, doesnt mean its from one night. i too, am lazy, and i wait till the last minute. just please, next time, dont be so quick to judge, cause half those bottles are left half full.

it was before i went to college, i was at home, on my computer, sitting there talking on the internet, it was rather late at night, or if you prefer, rather early, i was lost in a conversation with a friend when my dear brother got home, i always know when someone gets home since i can hear the garage door open through my wall. i didnt think i had to be ready for a terrible night, but boy i wish i was. he stormed in, and without question, his temper was flaring. he was gone, he was drunk beyond rationalizing, he couldnt be spoken to. grabing me, yelling at me, saying im doing things i was not, throwing me to the floor tossing me around as if i was a rag doll, i called for your help mother, cause daddy was out of town. but you stood there, with a glazed look in your eyes. you stood there as i screamed and i tried to fight, as i begged him to stop, to just get off me. you stood there as did nothing. i called daddy and told him everything, but when he came back, it was like it never happened. some how or another, i was at fault again.

around the age of 13 my dear brother decided it would be fun to go joy riding in your car, i knew for so long that it was happening, him and his friend used to go down to miami. when you guys reported it stolen, when you found out it was him. your punishment didnt compare to the actual crime. you gave him the chore of cleaning out the outside shower, it was full of leaves, how terrible. it took him about an hour or two to clean up. when i was 19 i decided to go to georgia, i didnt tell you of course, when i was there, i learned so much about myself, i was happy, i was free, and the people i was with didnt jusge me. when you found out where i was, when i got home, i wasnt aloud to use my car for 2-3 months. you see, at the age of 18, you become a 'legal' adult. i was safe, i was fine, i knew at all times what was going on, and what i was doing. but still, you doubt me and in the end i get punished.

since i have been back from ohio, i have helped you with everything you ask. but when i have other things to take care of, or if i worked all day and im tired and i refuse to help. you call me selfish, and ungrateful. i have done nothing to be labeled such. its a shame that you cant see it. i go out of my way to help you. even so sometimes when i do, im told im doing it wrong. mother, its the thought that counts

everything i do, everything that im involved with, is thought about, talked about. i spend my free time lost in thought, in dreams. i need you to know, the best way to help me, is to let me handle things on my own, how else am i going to grow into the person i want to be. you should know by now, when things get tough, when i need your help. i will come to you.

its time you have a better understanding on your reasons for your worrying. fabricating other reasons then the truth wont do it this time. its plane and simple. i shouldnt have to feel this way, i wrote in journals over many years, and i can remember when i was in middle school, the journal that you were so willing to read and destroy mother, you should know the one, you ripped out the pages and wrote me a letter to my thoughts. my private thoughts. i remember writing that i always felt different when it comes to the way you treat me over my dear brother.

over the years, throughout my life, i mentioned it. but never was it taken to heart, and here i sit, 23 years old, dwelling on what makes me so incomplete.

you know, i think i finally figured it out.

cant turn away

Can't stop believing/no matter how long it takes
It might kill me to keep on dreaming
but I'd rather die than throw it away
I don't know how much more of this I can handle
But I know that good things come to those who wait
And better things will come to those who don't give up
So mine should be coming any day

I can't run, can't turn away now

by the plain white t's

good morning love

i sit here, thinking, thinking about everything thats going on. here im uphappy. walking threw that front door drowns me of everything i had. thinking of there, it brightens me. it lifts me so high, as though ill never fall. hes sleeping next to me, his body is so warm, hes so quiet. things dont feel the same anymore. i drifted away. trying to pull back on strings of the past to weave this all back together, but the strings are tangled. one of the knots are to big to untie or even loosen. my heart feels crushed, unsure, lost, even broken. you know that time i told you id let you know when to worry about me, that time is now. struggling with my ways of the past to deal with my choices of the future, i thought they just up and left my mind. never to be thought of again. now i find myself staring off in to the ceiling wishing there was no tomorrow. im being ripped in half. i try to keep my chin up, i said i would try to make it work, but something isnt right. i try to find the words in me to console myself. to just push it all out of me. but its in my nature to keep it bottled. isnt this how i got here? so many steps to climb, wishing i could just skip over every other one. cheat my way threw life. if only there was a easy way for all this. its not you or him that i should concerned about it should be about me, but i have a heart of a moron i suppose. deep inside, i know whats right. whether or not im doing it is not the point right now. the point at hand is for me to take charge of my happiness and then let others follow. maybe then my thoughts will be clear once more.

sitting in the darkened room with all this hurt inside, still after all this. the words i say always end up hurting another. sometimes the truth hurts, but did i really have to post it? we all have our reasons for the things we do. i like to beat around the bush when i explain why i do what i do. avoid confrontation, avoiding heartache.

im searching so hard for the easiest way for the answer, you know, i think i found it. but you see, its hard for me to tell the world. its hard for me to say these words. slowly, it will crumble, and so will some ones heart, and i will be the cause of it. i dont know what hurts more, knowing that, or feeling as i do right now. its simply not enough anymore.

lost in tears, lost in thoughts, lost in memories.

if only i could be more civil, more calm. better with spoken words. if only i knew how to slow down. and if only people knew how to listen. he wont listen. well i end this here. email me. remember i love you always and forever, time is a virtue, it will help us all cope and mend.

Act 1: 'Love Caged Us All'

its just a disguise, just a way of pulling you in. this trap i have set, i set it so well. never noticed, never questioned. its a perfect plan of mine. its thicker then the welded steal that holds you there. its colder then the nights you are left alone. so sudden it all happened, still unaware of the outcome. i can see it you your eyes, the shimmer of hope began to fade. so slowly your body becomes more lifeless. draining you. i know it hurts. its my pleasure my dear.

swaying from side to side, looking at you, so helpless, so pathetic. your try to speak, try to plea for a chance. its unfortunate that things dont always work out that way. i watch you, i stare deeply at the person beyond those beautiful eyes. its tragic really. how frozen one can feel when they realize they lost everything. your hands tied to each corner of the cage, your head is so limp. even your ribs have began to show more. this is my magic trick my dear, the one that will out do them all. i will make you disappear. i have never seen you this weak. it fascinates me.

for every tear that falls from your brittle body, my smile grows greater. you see my dear. i came to you because i needed a partner, don't say i didn't tell you thats what i wanted. we both know its true. baby, look at how wonderful your doing. your helping me complete my illusion. yes, i know it hurts, but its just an illusion baby. you never existed.

we have been together for many years, we spoke of our dreams, our hopes, and so on. i told you i will become bigger then Houdini, i will become the most remembered illusionist in the world. text books will speak of me.

Your brittle body, your failing lungs, they will complete my goal. When we arrive on that center stage, wheeling you out to uncover my creation. The illusion of lost love. when we begin our performance, i shall give you one last kiss. and slowly you will fade away. chained in a cage of welded steal you will vanish from those who walked around you once, and a few years down the road. you will be forgotten, vanished. because you mean nothing to no body. your identity doesn't even exist anymore. i took that gift away from you long before things became clear.

you see dear, i say i will be bigger then Houdini is because while on that stage, in front of thousands of people. I will be killing you slowly. With a smile on my face, and a blessing in my heart.. for you. If only i meant that. It will be a night to remember, it will be called 'Love Caged Us All' and you, you are my love. Its time to set you free.

Forever in death you can be happy, maybe then you will find what your looking for. Until then, in this cage you shall suffer. You will be tortured in so many ways, but most of all baby, im going to play with that wonderful mind of yours. I will bring many men over to fornicate with in front of you, making sure your breaking down faster. you see, if i give you no reason to live, im just helping you with your suicide, so it wouldn't be all my fault. just picture it as though you are a canary. your in your home where you belong. at least nothing ...else.. can hurt you in there. and you cant simply fly away.

good night

the sun sets on another beautiful evening, again we must part. slowly slipping away from you for yet another night. i always hate this part of the day, the part that makes this end. i spend my nights after you leave writing, i sit here with my open heart waiting for the day you take it away. im reaching out to you, waiting for you to grab it. i can see it in your eyes when i look at you, i can even hear it in your voice when your words roll of your tongue. the way your infatuated with me amuses me. i hold on to your words, without them i would fall ever so far. fall into a river of tears.

often as i sit here and write the words are hard to find. something isnt connected. somethings missing. the thoughts arent as fluent as they used to be. could it be all this silence? i didnt want to leave you again tonight. i didnt want to have to say good bye. i know its not forever. its just till tomorrow. but just once, i would love to wake to your smiling face. even though, if it was just once, the night after i would be sitting here wishing i had that every night. i do want that every night.

we danced under the stars. you held me so tight. it was just me and you, and the moon lit sky. i wanted to be lost in that moment forever. i still am, but only in thought. its so wonderful having you on my mind. to have a reason to write, for someone to hold. if only the words could explain my feelings.

so another night i lay in bed, with you in thought, soon to be in my dreams. one day you shall be beside me. that one day will come soon. for you i would to anything. this life is to short for me to express my love. but in the time that we have. i will take you to the moon and back.