its dreary out again. this world is always so twisted. thoughts of one thing then another. things change so often. my thoughts are so cluttered. its so cold here. here in my head. its full of confusion. theres a tiny box in the corner, that is where i hold my hope, my dreams, even my wishes. its very dusty. it looks like i haven't even acknowledged them in years. its been to long. to long i forget what i even want out of life. layers and layers of lost hope are stacked in the other corner. they look as though they have been handled to often, mangled. sorting, searching. unsure of whats to become of this. gathering all these thoughts, theses ideas, plans, dreams, hope, love, hate, wishes, feelings. i am breaking down deeper. falling into this cavern of my soul. my being. the person i was once still resides here, i can see her looking at me laughing. giggling that i wish to finally be set free. to smile. i cant look at her anymore. she brings me back to those days. if only i was as strong as her. this clutter in my thoughts is caused by her, she doesnt understand its times to go. she seems to get a kick out the pain im feeling. hovering over me as though im a stranger, but this is my home.
i want to escape. start fresh. rebuild the woman i am. throw away the old, and bring in the new. forgive myself for all the pain i caused. release myself of this all. slowly accept that this is who i am. and slowly learn to love it. it would be so nice to look at myself, and to say that im happy. happy with who i am how i am and what i am. but i dont have control this all yet. we are at war. and she has the upper hand. but soon, soon she will weaken. she doesnt know that i am ready. i am fully ready to take on this challenge. with this will i have, i can do anything. i can be anything. which means i can be happy. just taking the first step on getting her out, and moving myself in. that is going to be the hard part. it shouldnt be though. its just her way of tricking me. i dont want to spend the rest of my days saying "well i could have done that" i dont want to hold my self back anymore. i want to be on top of the world. i want to feel it. i want to see it. and better yet i want to know i did it. i want nothing more then to better my life and to make the best of it. trust me, chest pains and tears arent fun, she doesnt seem to care when shes in charge, it gives her a reason to whine.
it will all crumble down, slowly. and she will fall with it to. and from that day on. i will smile like no other.
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